Dealing With Toxic Family Members


Joe Aoleo moved from Rhode Island to Key West, FL, after retiring from his job as a firefighter/EMT. Aside from his quest for warm weather, he was relieved to get away from his family — all of them.

“All of my siblings were controlling, never wrong, never apologizing, lying people,” Aoleo says. “There was no physical violence in my house ever. But it was [like] a thousand tiny cuts.”

What’s Toxic Behavior?

Toxic behaviors run the gamut, says Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA. She’s the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook, which is due out soon.

Common traits of toxic people include:

  • Not showing concern for your feelings, needs, or rights
  • Acting harsh and critical
  • Calling you names
  • Violating your boundaries over and over
  • Refusing to compromise with you on anything
  • Acting entitled
  • Always having to be right
  • Feeling the rules don’t apply to them
  • Making unfair demands on you
  • Not taking responsibility for their actions
  • Blaming others for their mistakes or flaws
  • Rarely saying they’re sorry for something
  • Wild mood and behavior swings, and sessions of rage
  • Lying and/or guilting you to get their way
  • Manipulating you to get to control or take advantage of you and others to get what they want

Continued

“Toxic behaviors exist on a continuum,” Martin says. Truly toxic behaviors are part of a pattern of maltreatment or lack of regard for others. They aren’t isolated incidents.”

Alas, toxic people rarely change their behavior, or want to. “They may lack self-awareness or respond with denial when confronted with their poor treatment of others,” she says.

Aoleo says his family members all vied for control. “I was a control freak at the time as well,” he says. “But I knew I was, and knew I had to change. They didn’t.”

“Guilt was always there,” even when it came to his daughter, Aoleo says. “My daughter was, and probably still is, a master of the kindness-to-guilt-to-anger method of being right. She once told me I had to be nice to her because she was all I had to take care of me when I’m old. I told her I’d put a bullet in my head before I’d ever let that happen. And I’m pretty sure the whole thing was about money I’d lent her and never collected — again.”

Set Clear Boundaries

It can be hard to identify and set boundaries if you’re from a family that doesn’t honor or respect them. You get to decide what treatment you’ll accept now, though. Martin suggests stating your needs and feelings directly. You might ask your family member to change their behavior, such as saying, “Please don’t curse at me.”

“This is not usually successful with toxic people because they’re not motivated to change their behavior,” she says. Instead, the boundary helps remind you to protect yourself from their ways. For example, you might hang up the phone or block your sibling’s number if they continue to curse at you on a call.

Keep Your Distance

One way to stay emotionally distant is to limit how much personal info you share, Martin says. Say your sister mocks you and makes sarcastic comments after you confide in her about a problem you have. This is your cue to share as little as possible with her in the future.

Continued

Also, you don’t have to answer private questions from family members. It’s OK to say, “I’d rather not talk about it.” Then don’t. Likewise, avoid asking about their personal lives. Trade info about key family business only.

Try to sidestep arguments at all costs. “Toxic people will try to draw you into an argument to distract you from the real issues,” Martin says. “They will often turn things around on you — blaming you for their toxic behaviors and never taking ownership for their behavior.”

Many people find sharply limiting or ending contact with a toxic family member is the only way to protect themselves, Martin says. “You’re not a bad person or a failure if this happens.”

Aoleo stayed in touch with one of his sisters while he lived in Florida, but he didn’t feel very close to her, either. On his decision to move to the Big Island of Hawaii, he cut ties with her as well.

“I’m now the only one in my family who doesn’t live within 50 miles of every other family member,” he says.

Other Useful Tactics

Other steps in your game plan to help you make firm choices, wipe away guilt, and move on with your life might include:

  • Don’t expect anyone to be perfect, including yourself.
  • Stop trying to fight old battles. There’s usually no way to resolve them.
  • Stand your ground. For example, if your family expects you to show up for a holiday and you want out, say “no.” Don’t leave the door ajar with a “maybe.”
  • Let go of your wishes for family members’ lives. You can’t make them change their minds or alter their plans.
  • Once you resolve to change your own behavior, brace for strong reactions from family members and even friends. Try to predict what responses you might get — such as crying, guilt, shouting, or even threats — and decide how you’ll respond.

How to Move On

Find solid support, Martin says. Seek out friends and new people to share with, such as a therapist, 12-step group, or other support circle.

Continued

“Dealing with family members who have toxic behaviors is stressful and emotionally taxing,” she says. “Be sure to take good care of yourself physically and emotionally.”

Your physical safety is key. “If you’re dealing with someone who has hurt or threatened to hurt you or others, you may need to call the police, avoid being alone with the person, or create a plan to leave quickly, if necessary.”

To Aoleo, peace of mind trumps keeping in touch with family. “I’m not angry with them, I just don’t care,” he says. “Family doesn’t mean much to me. They’re just people like everyone else, but you feel obligated to them for no real reason. I don’t feel that obligation anymore.”

He’s found space and calm in a relaxed community in the Hawaiian rainforest. “My job taught me to run into fires, and common sense taught me to run from my family,” he says. “Now I’m a happy, almost always wet, guy living with a family of controlling, almost always wet, mutts in my paradise on the side of a volcano in the middle of our largest ocean. Perfect.”



Source link

43 thoughts on “Dealing With Toxic Family Members

  • August 19, 2023 at 12:56 am
    Permalink

    I am really glad to read this weblog posts which consists of
    tons of useful data, thanks for providing
    these statistics.

  • August 20, 2023 at 3:41 pm
    Permalink

    Hey, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues.

    When I look at your website in Safari, it looks fine but
    when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
    I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, wonderful blog!

  • August 20, 2023 at 7:10 pm
    Permalink

    It performs wonderful for alll kinds of players,
    as there is no limit to the maximum payout.

    Here is myy web-site; Casino Bonus

  • August 20, 2023 at 7:53 pm
    Permalink

    I know this web site gives quality based posts and extra data,
    is there any other web page which presents such information in quality?

  • August 20, 2023 at 9:00 pm
    Permalink

    These systems are verified to be fair aat licensed casinos and supply fabtastic potential.

    Review my web blog … web page

  • August 20, 2023 at 9:11 pm
    Permalink

    However the pay gaap between husbands and wives is greatest for
    those with higher education and white-collar jobs.

    My page :: 룸알바

  • August 20, 2023 at 10:55 pm
    Permalink

    There are a number of high-quality casino bonuses out to take benefit of.

    Feel free to visit my webpage – 바카라

  • August 21, 2023 at 12:59 am
    Permalink

    For example, BetMGM has craps as a single of itss mobile reside
    dealer games.

    my web-site – casino79.in

  • August 21, 2023 at 4:37 am
    Permalink

    Positioned in tthe Jungmun Tourist Complicated, this Online Casino lets yyou gamble with views of Mt.
    Hallasan and Jungmun Beach.

  • August 21, 2023 at 1:16 pm
    Permalink

    Black dress pants are a staple for any specialist wardrobe, so it is worth it to invest in a pair that will final over time.

    Also viksit my page; homepage

  • August 21, 2023 at 1:28 pm
    Permalink

    The mission of Proo Mama is  to connect mothers tto jobb opportunities that aopeal to what ever stage
    oof life they are in.

    my web ssite web site

  • August 21, 2023 at 4:22 pm
    Permalink

    I am really impressed together with your writing talents as well as with the
    structure on your blog. Is that this a paid subject matter or did you customize it your self?
    Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare to
    peer a nice blog like this one these days..

  • August 22, 2023 at 6:39 am
    Permalink

    Keep this going please, great job!

  • August 22, 2023 at 7:14 am
    Permalink

    Just desire to say your article is as astonishing. The clarity in your
    post is simply great and i can assume you are an expert on this subject.
    Well with your permission allow me to grab your RSS feed to keep updated
    with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue
    the rewarding work.

  • August 22, 2023 at 8:08 am
    Permalink

    Hello friends, its fantastic post regarding educationand entirely
    defined, keep it up all the time.

  • August 22, 2023 at 8:34 am
    Permalink

    An outstanding share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a coworker who had been conducting a little homework on this.

    And he actually ordered me lunch due to the fact that I stumbled upon it for him…
    lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanx for spending some time to discuss
    this subject here on your web page.

  • August 22, 2023 at 9:15 am
    Permalink

    I every time used to read article in news papers but now as I am a user of net so from now
    I am using net for posts, thanks to web.

  • August 22, 2023 at 10:10 am
    Permalink

    A person necessarily help to make severely posts I would state.
    This is the first time I frequented your web page and so far?
    I surprised with the research you made to make this actual publish incredible.
    Excellent task!

  • August 22, 2023 at 11:53 am
    Permalink

    Thanks to my father who shared with me about this webpage,
    this blog is actually remarkable.

  • August 22, 2023 at 12:18 pm
    Permalink

    Currently it appears like WordPress is the best blogging platform out there right now.

    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?

  • August 22, 2023 at 3:21 pm
    Permalink

    hey there and thank you for your information – I’ve definitely picked up something new
    from right here. I did however expertise a few technical points using this site, since I experienced to reload the
    website a lot of times previous to I could get it to load
    correctly. I had been wondering if your hosting is OK?
    Not that I’m complaining, but slow loading instances times will often affect
    your placement in google and can damage your quality score if advertising and
    marketing with Adwords. Anyway I’m adding this RSS to my
    email and can look out for a lot more of your respective intriguing content.
    Make sure you update this again soon.

  • August 22, 2023 at 4:06 pm
    Permalink

    It’s very easy to find out any topic on net as compared to
    books, as I found this piece of writing at this website.

  • August 22, 2023 at 8:25 pm
    Permalink

    Yesterday, while I was at work, my cousin stole my apple ipad and tested to see
    if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.

    I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!

  • August 22, 2023 at 11:15 pm
    Permalink

    Yesterday, while I was at work, my cousin stole my apple ipad and tested to see
    if it can survive a 25 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad
    is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I
    had to share it with someone!

  • August 23, 2023 at 2:41 am
    Permalink

    Hi to all, the contents present at this website are truly remarkable for people
    experience, well, keep up the good work fellows.

  • August 23, 2023 at 3:27 am
    Permalink

    you’re actually a good webmaster. The site loading
    speed is incredible. It seems that you are doing any distinctive trick.
    Furthermore, The contents are masterwork. you have done a excellent activity in this topic!

  • August 23, 2023 at 5:40 am
    Permalink

    Hiya! Quick question that’s totally off topic. Do you
    know how to make your site mobile friendly?
    My blog looks weird when browsing from my iphone. I’m trying to find a template or plugin that might be able to fix this issue.
    If you have any suggestions, please share. Thanks!

  • August 23, 2023 at 5:58 am
    Permalink

    It’s not my first time to go to see this website, i am visiting this site dailly and take nice data from here every day.

  • August 23, 2023 at 6:43 am
    Permalink

    Yes! Finally something about website.

  • August 23, 2023 at 7:25 am
    Permalink

    It’s very straightforward to find out any topic on net as compared to books, as I found this piece
    of writing at this site.

  • August 23, 2023 at 8:01 am
    Permalink

    Howdy! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a team of volunteers and starting a new
    project in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us beneficial information to work on. You have
    done a wonderful job!

  • August 23, 2023 at 8:16 am
    Permalink

    certainly like your web site but you need to take a
    look at the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very troublesome to inform the truth then again I will surely come again again.

  • August 23, 2023 at 9:12 am
    Permalink

    For latest information you have to pay a quick visit internet and on world-wide-web I found this website as a most excellent web page for hottest updates.

  • October 6, 2023 at 4:11 am
    Permalink

    I was wondering if you ever considered changing the layout of your site?
    Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.
    But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people
    could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text
    for only having one or two pictures. Maybe you could space it
    out better?

  • October 6, 2023 at 7:06 am
    Permalink

    We’re a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.
    Your website offered us with useful info to work on. You have performed
    a formidable job and our entire group can be grateful to you.

  • October 15, 2023 at 2:54 am
    Permalink

    On-line gambling in India is officially legal only in 3 states, Sikkim, Daman and
    Goa, but the whole industry is in a gray zone.

  • October 20, 2023 at 9:12 am
    Permalink

    Somebody necessarily lend a hand to make critically articles I would state.
    That is the very first time I frequented your website page and up to now?

    I amazed with the research you made to create this actual publish incredible.
    Excellent activity!

  • October 20, 2023 at 7:43 pm
    Permalink

    Hi there! This post could not be written any better!
    Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate!
    He always kept talking about this. I will forward this page to him.
    Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for
    sharing!

  • October 20, 2023 at 7:47 pm
    Permalink

    Hi! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website with us so I came
    to look it over. I’m definitely loving the information.
    I’m book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
    Excellent blog and terrific style and design.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.