Gina Barreca, Ph.D., a board of trustees distinguished professor at UConn, is the author of 10 books, including the bestselling They Used to Call Me Snow White, But I Drifted. Rossi P. Strategic choices in polygamous households: Theory and evidence from Senegal. When he proposed to her she first came to me to check if he had my blessing. So she said I always support my husband for equal treatment with all wives because this life is much better than the previous one." So why is the phrase second wife so unnerving? Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? She should approach him first and address the issue, Maphalala suggests. Data was collected from 11 polygamous women who consented to an in-depth interview. I grew up as an only child, and I always knew I wanted a lot of children, but my wifes pregnancy with the twins was very complicated. 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. She told, It was very shocking and tragic for me to have another female in my husband's life". The strength of the study is an attempt to seek the coping strategies of co-wives to deal with such relationships in the Pakistani context. Mrs. Kamal helped to take care of her co-wife and her new born. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. She told that My in-laws had not good relationships with the first wife of my husband. It doesnt mean that it wont last. She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. A new law that went into effect in Kenya this week makes it legal for a man to marry as many women as he wants. But after few months it was disclosed. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. It is permissible for women and their family guardians to stipulate a condition in the marriage contract that the husband may not marry a second wife against her will. While a second marriage can be successful, its still a relationship composed of two imperfect people. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. Bigamy occurs when one man illegally marries more than one woman. Somehow, you probably have always pictured someone who has never been married. Journal of Moral Philosophy. 2. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. Mrs. Gulzar was another first/senior wife having three daughters. Between birth and death: Female infanticide in nineteenth-century China. It was an arranged marriage. Gabe and I won't have that. He killed her when I was nine years old and he was arrested. Eva wasnt happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. Crookston EM. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Psychosocial and familial functioning of children from polygynous and monogamous families. But Professor Maphalala says although each family has its own way of doing things, its usually the husband who decides how the children should be disciplined. She said, I don't think I was the one that could not have children. In a home with more than one wife, what happens when problems arise? Lillian, for example, says she changed her mind because she could see how sorry Thamsanqa was for hurting her, and when he explained his reasons she was able to move from heartbreak to acceptance. Family pressure: Family pressure is also one of the common reasons for polygamous marriages. Her husband got married to Miss Sobia who was the 2nd wife and it was again a love marriage. The design was flexible and consent was taken for an in-depth interview. Table 2: Frequency of co-wives for jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness and sharing household chores as consequences of polygamous marriages (N=11). "We injoi it and feele to prase the Lord." Mrs. Gulzar said "I had no option other than to make a compromise and accept co-wife because of my female kids. Later on, she came to know her husband has married her with the support of his family for a male child. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. Marriage Counseling vs. Lower incentive to cheat in a marriage. Mrs. Arslan was the first wife of her husband. Objectives: The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. Khattak AK. Jealousy is something almost everyone is afflicted with at some point and just because someone chose to be in a polygamous marriage doesn't mean they deserve less sympathy than anyone else. 6. Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. She said, "Emotions change with priorities". Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. These findings have implications for policymakers and family advisors. These reasons are in line to some extent with the current outcomes as infertility and having only female children was also one of the major factors for polygamous marriage. The findings were consistent may be due to cultural and religious resemblance because Al-Krenawi and his colleagues conducted their study in Arab states. Image from The Star. However later on she has also accepted co-wife because of infertility and destiny. Concept of one soulmate for everyone is flawed anyway. 2006; 52(1): 5-17. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. A couple of years after her mother's death, Deschamps' father remarried in an LDS Temple and was sealed to his second wife. Evelyn shrugs and says women should always know their rights and not be afraid to fight for them. It can be a challenge if wounds from old relationships arent quite healed. He dearly loved his wife, Mary Ann Angell. In the long run, it is usually the second wife who is accepting of polygamy. 2016; 22(3): 272-286. Yet we make as felicitous a stepfamily as you are likely to find. She was blended with her husband by love marriage. Accepting being a second wife can be challenging for those who are considering polygamy. Both babies were through cesarean. She said that time was very painful for me and my little daughters. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. Mrs. Kamal due to the age factor she was very distressed at the time of her husbands' 2nd marriage but with time she accepted this relationship and had a good relation with 2nd wife and with her children. The co-wives were approached from their homes. Problematic: Polygamy can be problematic from a legal and religious way. Not many people like a second wife. Mrs. Mustafa was another 1st wife. Can expand your gene pool. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. Thobejane TD, Flora T. An exploration of polygamous marriages: A worldview. The questions were translated into English according to the needs of international journal. The interviews were verified for accuracy and consistency by listening to the recordings. 70% of those second marriages end in divorce. Then communicate every detail to your wife she deserves that. Thats irresponsible. Evelyn, who has a four-year-old son, now works as a waitress to help her mother with the legal fees for her divorce. The women of polygamous families shared their lived experiences of polygamy. They also threatened her with divorce. She told she was also present during the delivery. Both were a happy couple with 2 boys and 1 baby girl. He loved her, and I was fond of her, Lillian says. But honestly, if your significant other has already had a wedding, who cares? I live in a rented flat and pay half the rent. In this case, I would prefer to keep my marriage to make sure my children have a bright future," she . When she asked her husband, he refused to accept it. One wife raises her fertility in response to an increase by the other wife because to them children are the best claim to resources controlled by the husband [22,23]. Decisions made by two people in first families are often made or influenced by four or more adults in stepfamilies. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? Appointments were previously taken and the interviews were conducted at their places for their convenience. PostedNovember 5, 2012 The first theme was generated from the verbatim of the first question which was asked to polygamous women. The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. The newlyweds moved to Soweto where they started a family after Nomqondiso died. Ashraf story mirrors that of 25% of Egyptian husbands who, according to statistics provided by the National Centre for Sociological and Criminological Research (NCSCR), take on a second wife within three years of their marriage. "This evening I am with my wife a lone by my fire side for the first time for years," Young wrote in his diary in January 1842. All women were Muslims. If he does so, either in public or secret, she has the right to divorce him. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Then there are the kids. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. In literature, the problems faced by polygamous women were highlighted. Mrs. Tanveer (first wife) has accepted the co-wife relationship because to her religion has allowed the man for multiple wives. Eleven women participated in the study. She said," My husband helped me to survive emotionally and financially". disadvantages of being a second wife islamirina emelyanova pasternak 26th February 2023 / in coastal carolina football camp 2022 / by / in coastal carolina football camp 2022 / by 5. But Im his last.. An analysis of 11 cases of polygamous women transcribed verbatim showed a cluster of themes as infertility or having only female children, love marriage of husband, family pressure, the relationships among co-wives, and their coping strategies to accept this relationship in their marital life. And another wife Mrs. Kamal reported," in the beginning when I thought about the second wife I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurts me." In turn, some women don't tell their friends about their husband's other partners because young people in the region are becoming more outspoken on how polygamy is an arrangement that is designed. As when co-wives share their domestic chores, and other responsibilities of the family they become less possessive with time about their partners. In the Muslim world, polygamy is acknowledged because it is supported and associated with religious doctrine as well as a fair and legal way of relationship. Life as a co-wife wasn't easy for Cecilia; she started being mistreated by the second wife. I was so impressed., READ MORE:Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Isibaya. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Brigham Young and His Wives. In Pakistan polygamous women also facing many psycho social problems because our society is far away from the original teachings of Islam about polygamy. It's a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. Mrs. Amir had no baby so she said, "It's Allah's plan for me and I have accepted my fate". 2014. You feel stuck and feel as if you do not belong where you are. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. In this concern two research experts (co-authors) were consulted. A sample of 11 polygamous women was included through snowball sampling from the different cities of the province of Punjab, Pakistan with an age range of 18-50 years. If the person in the second marriage who was married before didnt have children, then chances are they never have to even talk to their ex again. However, it is possible that a person is confronted with circumstances whereby he is unable to uphold his righteousness and purity, whilst maintaining relations with a sole lady, who happens to undergo periods of menstruation, pregnancy, delivery, suckling, and other forms of ailments, etc. Formal permission was taken from the institution for data collection. Co-wife conflict and co-operation. She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. As Mrs. Amir told the researcher, in the beginning, she got more privilege than the first but as time was passed and she did not conceive there was a time when she was completely ignored by in-laws and later from her husband. 2002; 32(1-2): 58-66. Polygamy | Becoming A Second Wife | Accepting Other Wives 13,077 views May 15, 2020 154 Dislike Share Diaspora Ukhti 3.66K subscribers This is a survey only! It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Its not a series of glittering evenings drinking martinis in smoky bars. Unless of great importance or a family-related event, we rarely attended the same social event together with our husband.. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. In the beginning, females refused to share their partners but with time they accept it. Her in-laws forced her husband to marry another female because of only female children. Polygamy; Antecedents of Polygamy; Outcomes of Polygamy; Coping Strategies of Co-wives. She almost lost her life I couldnt bear the thought of losing her. He kisses the back of Lillians hand as he talks. Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry ISSN: 2231-7805 (In Print)E-ISSN Both verbal and written consent was obtained. Lateron, both married. 17-Dec-2021, DOI: 10.54615/2231-7805.47221. Only 11 of the 26 women agreed to participate in the study. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. I wouldn't go through the same experience again," he says. 2008; 148(6): 745-764. Mrs. Abdullah also told though they have minor disputes among co-wives still they help each other. Relationships come and go, and thats to be expected. Khazuyeva also has two parking spaces in an apartment building on Moscow's Mosfilmovskaya Street. Could Your Relationship Benefit from Marital Counseling? Though she faced a lot of criticism from the first wife. The appropriate strategies which are purposefully working by co-wives must be enhanced with proper education and implement programmers that teach coping mechanisms and stress management. Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. Avoiding adultery According to WorldCat, 99 percent of polygamous married men use this reason as justification for their undertakings. Second theme: outcomes of polygamy as jealousy, unhappiness, and loneliness due to injustice, by the spouse were explored as potential pitfalls of polygamy. Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. What's popular and why. Kadyrov's second wife also has a place to stay in Moscow, with three apartments registered in her name. 2 Meet other future spouses. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. 2006; 45(3): 311330. She said "first wife of my husband always get more privilege than me." It could have been the man's problem too. A married couple that stays together can rack up plenty of debt, but what about a marriage that ends? She has been married for 40 years. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad could never keep a job, so she supported us. I would never accept polygamy unless my husband decides to divorce me to marry a second wife. One female Mrs. Abdullah was feeding a new born baby she was 3rd wife of her husband. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? The world is their oyster. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. I allowed and agreed to my husbands request for a co-wife to have more children. She also claimed that love with time is declined and she preferred to accept co-wife rather divorce to safe their marriage and secure her daughters future. In many typical cultures like India, China, and Pakistan infanticide is a very common practice despite an illegal and social evil [5-7]. Current Psychology. When even used-car dealers dont regard themselves as purveyors of second-hand merchandise, when second-hand clothes stores are now consignment shops, why should I stick with the second-wife moniker? There was a higher prevalence of somatization, depression, anxiety, hostility, paranoid ideation, psychoticism, general symptom severity, positive symptoms total, and psychiatric disorder, as well as lower ratings of life and marital satisfaction, family functioning, and self-esteem among polygamous wives [ 12 ]. Mrs. Amir was the 2nd wife and also had no children her husband married her for children and his family again forced him for 3rd wife by giving the reference of the religious doctrine. Mrs. Arslan did not avail of divorce and said it was her fate to share her husband with her co-wife for the future of her children. 2005; 44(1): 81-98. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. If that doesnt help, she can then approach his elders and explain exactly what it is thats happening and how shed like them to help. The participants expressed the usage of different coping Strategies in polygamous marriage as religion, fate, compromise, and sisterly bond with co-wives. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. In many societies the concept of polygamy is frowned upon because it goes against the Western idea of loving, honouring and obeying one person until death do you part. She has never absolved me from the sin of being happy. Polygamy.com. They are sister wives, which means they have a friendship as well. Theyd been happily married for 15 years when she received the shock of her life. In 1994, the Haryana Panchayati Raj Act disallowed people with more than two children from contesting local elections. Note that I said "freely" - emotionally guilt tripping women, threatening them with divorce or withholding custody of their children from them, and other such nefarious tactics to pressure women into 'accepting polygamy' are not equivalent to consent without coercion. Jankowiak W, Sudakov M, Wilreker BC. International Nursing Review. 2010;57(1): 121-127. Thamsanqa clears his throat and holds his wifes hand as he tells us that after being married for 15 years, he knew he needed a second wife. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. Polygamy is often confused with polyamory and bigamy. Consent i s the keyword. After my brother died in a car accident my father started acting strange. She told when her husband introduced her to the other co-wives, in the beginning, they both cursed me but later they made a compromise and accepted her. It found that while 70 per cent agreed that Muslim men have a right to polygamous marriages so long as they can treat all wives fairly, only 30 per cent would allow their own husband to marry . Source: Sunan Sad ibn Manr 633, Grade: Sahih. I will make another video using your. 2015; 12(3): 267-289. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Success and failure among polygamous families: The experience of wives, husbands, and children. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). She stated out of sight, out of mind, She preferred the living arrangement. She tried her best to convince her husband not to get married to another woman but she was not succeeded. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. She was very much disturbed and afraid of losing her husband. Mrs. Gulzar who was 36 years first wife told as she came to know her husband has a hidden marriage with Miss Nasreen. | She said that she and her husband was working in the same organization. Thus, two things relating to marriage have affected the overall percentage of the population who find polygamy acceptable: more unmarried people in the population, and the fact that these. 2014; 8-10. Policy-makers should be made aware of the implications of polygamous marriages on womens health and well-being. The difficulty is usually with the first wife. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". Jealousy: Jealousy is a common response to protect ones relationship [14]. Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. All are located in new apartment buildings in good neighborhoods; their total value is about $5 million. And reassure her of your love. They found his second wife together a woman who was a regular on one of his taxi routes. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. Too many people are dying because of the conflict between monogamy and polygamy. Love and (Polygamous) Marriage? Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Journal of Family Studies. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. The positive side of the study is to explore the advantages and strategies used by polygamous women were very significant. You constantly feel that your partner knowingly or unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. The current study provides preliminary data on women in polygamous marriages and the foundation for further research. Her relationship with her co-wife was perceived to be sisterly. Saravanan S. Female infanticide in India: A review of the literature. Cross-Cultural Research. She had only one daughter. Disadvantages (Demerits) Of Polygamous Marriage 1. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A Comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. In Pakistan culture, most polygamous women get relief in religious practices and other activities as one of the senior wives (Mrs. Amir) said "whenever I am depressed, I am used to saying my prayer and get relief because divorce is not an option for me." Minor clashes are part of life to her. There are many things about a divorced family that can be nontraditional, especially holidays. 1. Also, if your husband has financial problems, he had no right to marry you in the first place. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. You know, its so sad because the new wives are also being treated horribly by my father but theyre too proud to talk to my mother because of the way they mistreated her.. READ MORE:After Criselda Dudumashe recently shared how her husband allegedly beat her up we thought we'd remind women how they can seek help. 2007; 21(1), 108-127. Being a step-parent can be a very . King MT. A qualitative methodology was adopted to explore the experiences of polygamous women. Another common stereotype that is associated with females is to give birth to only female children which increasing the ratio of female infanticide because some men are in favor of only male children. Could be many factors, but since a person in the marriage has already gone through a divorce, the option seems available and not as scary. Since that we gave importance, care and love toward each other, i accept his proposal. Should second wives post billboards proclaiming that we are not necessarily women who flounce through life wearing ankle bracelets, feather boas, and alligator shoes? Ibn Qudamah writes: Women also support their men for polygamy if they are facing infertility to secure their marriage instead of divorce [4]. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. Mrs. Kamal also has a good relationship with her co-wife. The two new wives bullied my mother and called her names. Because her first husband always cursed him by saying a childless woman. The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. 3.What were the coping strategies which you used to accept the co-wives relationship? The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. During my final two years in my first marriage, I was constantly telling my friends how I wanted to make my relationship work. https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. A record of 26 women was collected for polygamous families through snowball sampling for the availability of co-wives. They get along because this is normal to them they have agreed to it., We live in a world where facts and fiction get blurred. She was in severe depression after this trauma. As she had a new born she told when she was admitted to the hospital 1st wife of her husband prepared and brought food for her from the home. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? So, she accepted this relationship. Can I marry second wife? Polyamory is not just about sex, both Farmer and Schippers point out, whereas open marriages, open relationships and swinging tend to emphasize the sexual parts of a relationship. Mrs. Tanveer was though accepted her husband's second wife but she told, when my husband got married to the second wife this sharing was indeed hurting for me. Mrs. Imam was 58 years old working lady living with her 2 children and a relationship with her co-wife. By marrying uBaba Ive not only gained an amazing husband and beautiful children Ive also gained a sister I wouldnt otherwise have had. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. Ja, I like these young ones, Lillian interrupts and they all laugh. He might marry a second wife before his divorce is complete, for example. If that doesnt work then they go to the husband and present their cases, and the husbands role is to restore peace. Children can complicate matters further as each mother might feel the maternal pull to protect her own offspring more than the children of the other wives. 2020; 39(2): 750-760. Polygamy has become common practice in many communities including Pakistan. Azad Chaiwala, CEO and founder of the Second Wife and Polygamy marriage websites. After her husbands second marriage she said, I moved to a separate household, to me, it works best because I dont have to see her (co-wife) come into the house to visit my husband. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality.
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