I mean seriously? See a g- d- counsellor. Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. Vegas! On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. In that case, marriage counseling is great. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. Its not bad practice to not accept food or drink from strangers, or let your drink out of your sight at a bar, but Id worry about those things much less in Las Vegas than in a local bar. Thank you for sharing this. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). ! Um, Im going to my cousins house. Honestly, it feels awful. And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? Have never felt nervous yet. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. My husband has been for business conferences. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. When I talk to my friends nowadays (still in Ohio, btw! People cheat in the tiniest of towns. Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. I agree with your husband .. I gave the ring back soon after. I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). Ive known many a controlling spouse, but most of them know to keep it in check when it comes to the providers job. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. Out of curiosity do you know what the statistics in your area for domestic violence? Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. Heck, immediately post break-up I think its normal for friends to say Yeah, you were right, and they were in the wrong, and youre a heck of a catch and I bet theyre really sorry. Regardless of their private feelings about the truth of those things. Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. I dated a guy like that! They might feel left out or unimportant. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. I just saw the news about the mass shooting in Vegas. There is no one in his family who lives near us. This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. Its stupid of me, I know. Or leave? I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! Nikada / iStock. That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. Its an incredibly effective manipulation technique. Besides, the OP is going to spend most of her time in a conference room that looks like every other conference room in the western world, anyway. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. And then a few answers like well, I wouldnt exactly be happy and yes, Jane needs nine hours of sleep every night and Id really miss her can be heard as my friends wouldnt like it either. From there, LWs husband might turn even one joking Id tell her she had to stay home, they cant make her go into I asked my friends, and they wouldnt let their wives do that, and might not even realize that this wasnt what all of his friends thought or how their marriages work. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. Friend: Uh-huh. But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. Is she free to travel then? But he is controlling. I know its forbidden to comment on typos, but the gamboling is perfect! I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! Just on the wholesomeness scale, it tries way harder to be cool older brother than, say, Omaha or Iowa City. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. I'm scheduled for a c-section on September 21st and although it's not that far away, it's definitely not as close as I would like it to be. The touristy gloss. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? Oh, for sure. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! 6. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. Does he take this incredibly low view of your character whenever youre apart from him, or is that just a terrible assumption he makes about you when you travel to Vegas? My colleagues and I used to parse the bulletins the U.S. Embassy put out about reported crimes against Americans, and so often you could read between the lines of someone trying to cover for a mistake. Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? I hope he really is as great as you say, and that this is a one-off. FYI: I mean crazy in a flippant sense not as an insult to any mental health issue. We have a beach house and are splitting the expenses. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! We felt safe walking around at 2AM. Its tough but definitely not impossible. Sometimes, well go together on business trips (one of us taking it as vacation) this isnt something you can do every time, but it also seems to help him tremendously, especially on his own business travel. The update is saying the opposite of what you think it does. Assuming you havent given him real cause for those worries (like a history of cheating), this is insulting to you and awful for the health of your relationship. I go out of state to continuing education conferences, I dont know, once or twice a year. By letting him come chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with work colleagues, with single men, etc. For anyone who has traveled for business, it is a dream destination because it is convenient. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. My company had an annual meeting in Vegas a few years ago, that I wasnt important enough to attend, and I was crazy jealous. Might need to go back. And ate a lot of food. The only people who would have a problem with visiting Las Vegas would be someone who has never been there! Thank you, other wise my husband is very supportive. Ive stayed in beautiful NYC and D.C. hotels for less than $130 a night. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. Obviously when I say five hours it would be added time for stopping. Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) When one person in the relationship suggests separate vacations, one of three things happens. Spouses dont LET. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? Cuz he was awesome.). I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. I went to Vegas last year and didnt do anything Vegas-y, other than see one show. That actually happened to my parents! Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? If its an issue that they dont trust OP, that probably needs counseling. And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends. Sure, that could be the problem. I dont gamble but I love New Orleans it feels like an adults only carnival. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. When does his flight land? He definitely is the one that needs the work, but ideally I would think they should have both couples sessions and individual sessions for him. This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. Not everything is anxiety and depression, AAM commentariat. Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. This may be the one city where you are on camera every second. But Id want OP to figure out a little more what this behavior of his is really about, and make sure its not his way of trying to control her / torpedo her career, before Id recommend she let him supervise her work trip. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. Yet he says he would not even go without me. Of course, Im only going by what was in the letter. The weather sucks in Vegas. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. Agree with the advice for counseling. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. Go. But thats true everywhere, and you can easily avoid said trouble by, you know, not doing something stupid. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. We can take care of ourselves. Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. :( Her husband seems like an abuser. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. They live there with partners and children, even! Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. Last year when she went not only did I work my 2 jobs but I tiled our laundry room to stay busy and keep my mind on things. Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. I cordially dislike Vegas. Ive needed counseling in the past to deal with some trauma that led me down that path, so I wholeheartedly agree with Alison that you both face this problem head on. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. I absolutely dread this. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. Not everything is family friendly (I.E. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. Create an account or log in to participate. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because its a popular corporate destination, not because theyre plotting to destroy employees marriages.). seem much more based on portrayals in television/movies rather than reality. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. No. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? Maybe this has been mentioned already (I started skimming when all the comments were the same OUTRAGE) but, would it be possible for your husband to come with you on this trip? Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. What the hell? Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! For example, many people have inherited cultural baggage that makes them scoff at the idea of therapy, which they think is for crazy people. In my family its my mother (yay genetics! If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. So I get the safety concern. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. There are many issues at play here. Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. Thats an unreasonable stance. I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. I guess it's doable, but I wouldn't do it. I do think theres a shadow of a legit work question in there, in terms of when/if its okay to refuse work-related travel. He doesnt have friends. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. Ill throw this out too just in case. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. I dont understand giving up agency as an adult just because I got married. Its possible, though, that he really is controlling. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. But also, my aunt and uncle are pretty bigoted and I know they modeled the idea of a submissive wife and dominant husband for my cousin. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. However, the husband is being ridiculous. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. You can add it up to four. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). My dad goes around the world: Spain, Taiwan, Japan and he spends it all on a commercial ship fixing the radar, sonar, ormcomputer. This is more his problem than yours. If you stay around the main touristy areas especially on the Strip there is security EVERYWHERE. I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. Thats the issue here. If someone tells my son, I am a thief, or. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Even the others theyre married to. Some people may have only a negative perception of Vegas, but the important thing is realizing that kneejerk perception is actually inaccurate. It made no sense. It was still broad daylight, and I was with a group of fellow students. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. Just Saying. As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. But yeah, were both supportive of the other taking trips. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. Also conferences in Vegas are soul-crushingly awful and boring. Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. In the places where its legal, its still only legal at licensed brothelsof which there are 24 in the entire state. I trusted him, he was fine. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. The letter writer is inquiring about whether or not she should DTMFA someone who drumroll has clearly already broken up with her. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. And I asked to go but thats out of the question. She once had a fit that I was going to Target at 8:00 on a Wednesday. Him: Something something shes just got cold feet about the upcoming wedding. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? On top of everything Allison said, it might work to show him how normal business travel to Las Vegas is. We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! You should protect your son! I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. I suspect that insecurity over her being the primary breadwinner has a lot to do with it (deeply ingrained social conceptions are still a thing). Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Your brain chemistry & brain function is literally abnormal, for a start. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. And not his fault, it was mine! One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. Its adult Disneyland with spendy big-name restaurants, booze and slot machines, at this point. Never mind that this area was completely safe and middle-class; never mind that the apartment complex had 24-hour security; gated parking; never mind that this Mexican restaurant is not a whole in the wall, is regularly featured on Food Network, and is a regular spot for bringing out-of-town clients for virtually every company in our city. I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. 20 Times Nature Gave Us Something Unusual to Admire, If You Have a Sweet Tooth, These 13 Products Will Help Pave the Way to Your Heart, 10 Amazing Things for Your Home That Are Extremely Cheap Right Now, 10 Best-Selling Products Thatll Make Your Bathroom Worthy of 5 Stars, How Much or How Little the Cast of Jurassic Park Has Changed 30 Years After the Films Release, 10 Tiny Items From Amazon That Can Make a Huge Difference in Your Home, A Woman Dresses Like Celebrities to Prove Any Size Can Be Stylish, How Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen On-Screen Rivalry Lead to the Best Hollywood Bromance in Real Life, 11 Times Celebrities Undermined Traditional Upbringing Methods, 7 Amazon Deals That Can Make Your Skin Glow Without Hurting Your Wallet, Monster-in-Law / New Line Cinema and co-producers. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. I hate the idea that the LWs husband feels like he has some kind of power to tell his spouse that she cant go on this trip. To me, that means childish. We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. My husband of 23 years has never objected to any business trips Ive taken (not even the week-long trip to the Bahamas when our daughter was 8 months old), so Im chiming in to say that whats going on with your husband is super abnormal in my experience. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. They can also get into trouble in their own hometown. All the more reason to get out and build a life with someone who is your partner and not a leach who wants to cripple your independence and your career. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette..
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